Dissociate / Disassociate

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your proximity helped
and I didn’t feel so alone
but now that you’re further from my center
I have to increase my sense of
groundedness
my connection to the earth
my ability to stay here
in this time
in this place
on this plane of existence
because you’re not here to help me feel time
to feel real
to feel anything
and your distance makes it hard it makes it hard your distance makes it hard to be aware of anything other than this longing for you

Five AM Moon

 

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If the moon can transform every month,
why cant I?
Peel back
my old layer of skin
my old self and
transform into something new, push through
through the old layers
through to something transfixative
transformative
something that is not what it was before but still is something that is fresh
or new
or a mixture of old and past and present and possible futures together
why can’t I transform into something
else
other than what I am here and now?
The moon can transform every month, why can’t I?

To Those Who Couldn’t Love Us Back

I think back to the times
you didn’t even know my name
didn’t even give me a first glance
let alone a second one
until I wore that dress
until I had my hair that certain way
that certain way you requested
for every birthday, anniversary, special occassion
once you saw that
your deep, brown eyes lit up
as they roved over me
silently approving.

what your eyes consumed
you fed to your heart

and now your
heart howls my name
screams for me
hoping your lips will take up the call
hoping your fingers will make the call
so she can hear
my voice
once more
and sooth
her aches and pains for which
you left no tools for her to mend
you left no way for her to sooth her own fears
so your heart howls
for the bond we once had
the salve for her burning loneliness

(one day
i ate the fruit of another
to see if she would notice
but your heart
was too busy
tending to her own rotten fruit
that did not nourish
but poisoned me)

you’ve gotten really good at ignoring your lonely heart
pretending you’ve forgotten her language
ignoring what she calls out for
what she screams into the wind
like a spell
dangling over me
hovering
I ignore her too
she wants me to heal
the damage you’ve caused her
but I
am nursing my own wounds.

To See Yourself; To See Through Yourself

IMG_20151219_160722illuminate the cry
to arms
the cry
to collect
gather
mend and make and mash together
perfect unpalatable words
used inefficiently, used cowardly
your emotions seep through your lips
spilling and tumbling down your top
in careless, haphazard ways
they come to me
they cling to me
they clobber me
I reel;
to release myself from your sordid tone
daily
I must clean myself
defeat your onslaught
of bitter, biting sentiments

I’ve grown too big for this place
I’ve grown too big for you
I’ve outgrown you
your bitterness has crippled you
and it’s starting to infect me

I love your lack of confidence
the way you present yourself in that
off-comfortable way
head down – neck stretched down
anti-giraffe, ostrich if your
double chin could act as sand
layered in fat as a shield, armour
human, organic camouflage
you’ve been so busy
caught up in daily life

you are the bitterness in my coffee
the flavor I seek out
to keep me humble and awake
to flashes of moon in your eyes
as we speak in low tones
under the grand expanse of stars
mapped out in your motions
you are the earth, solid
leaving me effortless
in breath