A 2014 Christmas

I’m getting on an airplane tonight and am most likely leaving us behind. When I first presented you with a gift, your eyes lit up and you looked as if to kiss me. Now, for Christmas, I gave you a present in the secret of my car. Your eyes did not shine through the dimness of the parking lot. You were not full of joy, but a forced appreciation. You hugged me, but it did not feel real. We climbed out and rejoined your friends.

I’m getting on an airplane tonight and am most likely leaving us behind. A new year will begin without you with me. Me without you. But my dreams will haunt me with visions of you with me. Will keep you alive. And even if, during the day, I somehow forget about my feelings for you, I will fall asleep and awake to you. I will visit our old haunts and think of you and how you looked at me like I was worth something.

I’m getting on an airplane tonight to leave this all behind. Striving for someone who isn’t working nearly as hard for me. I’ll leave it all behind. I’ll be alone for Christmas and the New Year. But that’s ok, right? I’d rather be cherished than alone, right? That’s what I tell myself but that’s never what I feel. I don’t feel lonely, I feel sad. Sad that I have no one to share this life with. This life I’ve worked ever so hard on. No one wants this life. I think that’s what saddens me most.

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